mamamc7's Journal

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10 February 2018

So tonight is the anniversary of what changed everything in my life.

I found out my first love of my life wasn’t going to make it.

After leaving the hospital none of us knew what to do, where to go or how to be a normal human in society.

Cora decided she wanted Red Robin... how do I say no to her at this point. So we went... I was a mess, just cried my eyes out for hours, felt like a zombie but my kid wants a burger and fries... I just remember an overly excited waitress serving us... the first thing she did was ask “How was your night?!” With a huge smile on her face... obviously my family was a wreck and looked like they had just been through hell and back... I really wanted to just tell the truth... “I just watched my first love die in the arms of our young daughter while she sang him lullabies in the ICU filled with friends, family and every firefighter I had ever met in our county...” but instead I gave her a weak smile and just couldn’t find words...

After that day I kept being asked “how are you?!” Or “how is your day?!”... I found that to be the most insensitive and rude question to ever be asked... no one really cares, if you really told them how your day was or what you’re going through they’d just look at you like a crazy person or fumble for the right words...

Immediately after his death, we were flooded with messages of love, gifts, food/meals/treats and visitors... but then the shock wore off and reality set it and the emotional support stopped...

I remember going to Starbucks a few weeks after and the barista asked “how are you?!” I cried and said “really awful”, and got my coffee and left... I stopped going out for coffee because I didn’t want to be asked those types of questions anymore, by people who didn’t really care.

I stopped going a lot of places, declining party invites, avoiding phone calls, I became a homebody, I went from the life of the party to the buzzkill real quick...

And this is how I gained over 50lbs in 3.5years...

Today my kids asked to go to Red Robin, Friday night/payday means dinner out... I was fine until driving Home and flooded with emotions... seeing the charred up hills Michael should have been alive to help save... so this whole fire/flood/disaster has also stirred up all of my emotions of how he was away on the ZACA fire in 2007, I found out I was pregnant, he was away for weeks at a time, off and on for almost four months (more away than Home) I had to wait weeks to even tell him about the bun in my oven...

I was young 21 and madly in love, then my world crumbled, I found out he was using drugs after seeing a text on his phone... as a respectable, hard working, hero, who just saved a drowned baby the day before... and here he was using drugs. I had to do the hardest thing ever and leave him after 7.5years of being together and in love. I was pregnant and my mama bear kicked in. I gave him options, rehab/detoxing and more... but he was angry I threatened to tell his wealthy family, if he didn’t... he would be cut off from everything. So I left... I never wanted to, I wished and hoped everyday he would get clean and come back to me.

Well I ”moved on” months after my daughter was born, started casually dating my best friend since preschool, he was/is an amazing father figure to my child and we have been together ever since, 9.5years now... we even expanded our family and added a daughter almost five years ago but the pain of leaving someone I loved so deeply and then watching him die have changed me. I am not the same and most grief counselors have told me that every two years you gain a little perspective... I remember feeling a little less shock two years ago and this year I have had many realizations...

My life is too important to live sad or angry. Hanging onto this grief and hurt is only hurting me...

I gotta let go.

I gotta go scream on a mountain top and let go...

(63 comments)

10 February 2018

Broke fast at noon with dessert... Keto no bake cheesecake and a few strawberries. Because I can 🤪

Next time I will use a more firm cream cheese and whipping cream instead of half n half. I was experimenting with what I had in the fridge.

(26 comments)

10 February 2018

I made a no bake cheesecake. Blueberry Lemon with lots of Vanilla. I haven’t had cheesecake in a VERY long time. So this may be nasty to some but to my taste buds it was just what I needed.

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09 February 2018

I made some “almond joy” fat bombs today.

(30 comments)

09 February 2018

Meet my friend, the scale. I have a lot of bamboo items in my kitchen, so this was perfect!! I set up a little area for weighing with my paper and silicone cupcake holders for measuring dry/wet foods to make it more convenient. Do you have a weigh station?

(38 comments)

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