kmartdollie's Journal

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05 February 2013

I went over my RDI again, but it's not so bad. I ended up eating lunch out because I thought I would have time to come home and that ended up not being the case, so I ate two salads out today. For some reason, I cannot handle ice cream, baked goods and candy that are chocolate, even sugar free chocolate. I scarf them down and have no control. That doesn't seem to be the case with sugar free pudding. I do just fine with that. I can have one or two containers and I'm good. I don't know why it's like that. I don't get cravings for pudding like I do sugar free candy, ice cream and brownies or cake. Don't know why. I am sure glad there is something to satisfy my sweet tooth that I don't have to worry about not having under control.

(2 comments)

04 February 2013

I have been away a couple of days, up to no good. I overate terribly for 2 days. I am still paying for it. I ate a lot of stuff with malitol, and I have been having terrible digestive issues for the past two days. I should learn, but I don't. I actually don't feel too bad - I had 11 good days before my 2 days of screw up. That may not sound like a lot, but usually I can only go about 3 weeks without having a "cheat" day, so it wasn't too bad. I am wearing a pair of grey pants that I battled for months to get into, and now they are falling off of my hips. They've gotten larger on me markedly within the last month. I have had a lot on my mind recently. I looked up my ex boyfriend on Facebook, and I was shocked by what I saw. He told me several years ago that he weighed 397 pounds, but this is the first time I have seen him in a long time. He looks very, very, very large. He is also covered in hair - unkempt long hair, a huge beard and moustache. He seems covered in flesh, fat and hair. Years ago, I thought he was beautiful - this was back when he was 6'3", about 225 pounds. Now it is like he has covered himself in his weight and that hair. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do for him. I don't know that I can do anything. He got in touch with me a couple of years ago and acted like if we got back together, he would lose the weight. Well, I didn't bite, and I haven't heard from him since. Part of it was that he rejected me - when he saw a recent picture of me from 2 years ago, he stopped pursuing me. He told me that I used to have a "wonderful ass", and when he saw how much bigger it was, he was no longer interested. Now that I've lost the weight I have, I was curious as to what was going on with him. He's exactly the same, if not worse. I don't feel any romantic feelings for him anymore, but I wish I could help him. I want to know what has happened to him in his life that would cause him to do this to himself. I know exactly why I gained all of my weight in the past decade. I was not emotionally invested in my life. I felt like the best part of my life was behind me, and working toward anything was pointless. So I thought, well,my life is not going to get any better, so I might as well eat exactly what I want when I want, and not worry about managing my health or my body at all. I smoked cigarettes, just like the food, an addiction, and I didn't care, either. I just didn't care. Sometimes I still feel like that - I don't feel tremendously emotionally invested in my life. I have made all of these changes, but it's really because I was scared of the diabetes. I gave up all feeling of competition with other people, particularly other women, a long time ago. I haven't felt like I wanted to compete for anything, against anyone, in about ten years. It's odd living without the urge to "do better than" others. But I think that's something that is good, in terms of my lifestyle change. I watch what I eat and I lose weight because I want to take care of my health and I know I'm getting older and I want to have a healthy prognosis with being diabetic and with what is coming healthwise in a few years not so far away. The looking good and being more attractive is gravy. I just feel like at the age of 40, I am not in the same mindset as I was when I was in my 20's and it was important to me to compete with other women to be more attractive, or to be as attractive as I could without a model's, a cheerleader's or a pageant queen's body. (These are the three things that are considered the most attractive a woman can be here in the Midwest, and the model's standard of attractiveness is more like a Victoria's Secret or a Sports Illustrated model, not a high fashion runway model). It just feels different this time around. I don't spite other women anything for being attractive. I want to look attractive, but equally as much I want to be fit and healthy, in great condition. I am inspired by NBA basketball players, wanting to be a fit-ass, salad eating machine. But back to my ex-boyfriend - over 400 pounds. I don't know that I could help him. I just don't know how someone gets to that point. I guess my own point was bad enough - 220 pounds. Almost 100 pounds overweight. I found it interesting that when I started looking at BMI charts, my weight and my height would have qualified me for bariatric surgery. Can you even imagine???? That's how bad it was for me. I never want to go back there again. And I know how easy it is. If I ate whatever I wanted for a week, I would gain 5 pounds. I bet I could put on 20 pounds in a month, 6 weeks maybe. Then it would just be onward and upward from there. I just didn't care. I didn't care how bad it was because I figured I was already fat, and being fatter didn't scare me. It was already so bad being at my weight, another 10, another 20 pounds didn't seem like a drastic future, it just seemed like more of the same. I guess that is how he feels. And I can't change that. I certainly cannot be the big fat carrot on the stick to make him want to change. I cannot offer myself to him on the contingency that he do something about his weight. I don't have those kind of feelings for him anymore. I feel like there's no way I could deal with him without him wanting that. So there's REALLY nothing I could do. I just wish I could, and I know I can't. It's just so amazingly sad. And it made me realize how fleeting a physical appearance is. Most people will never look like they did when they were in their 20's. It slips away in fat, in smoking, in hard living. Even most thin people look drawn and different in their 30's and 40's. It is so fleeting, so temporary. I don't know where I am going with this, it has just been on my mind the past couple of days. Thanks for reading.

(2 comments)

30 January 2013

I went to the gym and I ran 4 miles and did 30 minutes on the elliptical. The running felt GREAT. No hip issues, nothing wrong with my hips, knees, ankles or feet. No pain, no pressure. It is still hard, even after almost a year of running, to get myself psyched up to run. Once I start, and I can do 3 minutes, then I can get to 5, and once I get to 10 minutes I know I am going to be able to do it all and finish. I decided I really liked the one night of elliptical/abs/weights and then the next night of elliptical/running. I think I am going to try it like that for the next week or so. I am now back at 4.00 miles, but before I hurt my hip, I was doing 4.25 miles. It may seem like a little, but I don't want to push myself for that extra .25 until I feel I'm ready and I'm not pushing my hip or my joints too hard. I haven't lost any weight in 7 days, but I can't really be discouraged. Back along my weight loss, it is normal for me to go about 9 or 10 days between posting a loss. My plan is just to keep on keeping on and keep up the exercise, try to eat less, and just keep doing a decent job on everything.

(2 comments)

29 January 2013

HOSANNA and JOY! I was provided with my lost ipod today. I lost it in the office and someone turned it in to the front desk. I was sooooo happy. It totally made my day. Hell, it made my MONTH. It's sad how dependent I am on that little device. I don't have a smart phone, so I can't put music on my phone. Also, a smart phone is kind of a big device, and this little ipod is a teeny weeny nano, about the size of half of a credit card, and it has a clip in the back, so I can clip it to my clothes instead of having to wear an armband. I love it so much! Now that it's back, I will never stick it in a pocket again. It will be in my purse, or zipped in a zippered pocket. I am so glad I have music to work out to again! I went to the gym today and I petered out. I was going to run, but I didn't. I walked the dog for half an hour today, and I did half an hour of cardio on the elliptical, but I poo pooed running today. I also lifted weights for my arms and did abs. I got about an hour workout tonight. I just didn't feel like running - mostly because of time. I really wanted to go to bed by 9:30 tonight and if I ran, I wouldn't get home until 9:30. So hopefully I will run tomorrow. I played my ipod during my workout and it was great. I really need some new music though. I guess I will try listening to Pandora and see if I can come up with some new music to listen to.

(1 comment)

28 January 2013

I had a terrible thing happen to me today. Not terrible in terms of personal tragedy, just a nagging, frustrating thing. I lost my ipod. It is really stupid, I know. I looked everywhere for it and realized it must have fallen out of my jacket pocket. I took it out of my car because I didn't want anyone tempted to break my window to steal it. Now it's gone. It did have a cracked screen from where I dropped it 6 months ago, but it worked fine. Now I have to buy another one, and I won't have the money for at least 3 more weeks. I can get along at home without it just fine, I can drive in the car without it just fine - it's the gym where it is going to hurt. I can't imagine running without it. I am just going to have to suffer until I can afford to replace it. I realize it's a luxury problem and trivial, but it has made for a crappy day for me. I took the dog on a walk and got my 30 minutes of exercise with that, and decided I am not ready to face the gym without the ipod. I will try to go tomorrow, I don't know what it's going to be like. Wahhhhhh. And the new ones have a higher price tag, plus they have different cables and I will have to buy a new cable for my car. Wahhhh.

(5 comments)

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