Multiplicity1's Journal

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03 September 2010

I just called and made the appointment to put my dog to sleep tomorrow at 10 am. I took her for a walk earlier and she was huffing and puffing even though we were walking on a flat road and she could barely get up and down our apt. stairs. I know we are doing what is right for her but it is so painful. I spend most of every day with her. I am the one she runs to first when she is frightened in the thunderstorms. She knows I am upset and just came over to me to see if I am OK. She is always so happy whenever we get home. My oldest cat loves to rub on her face and make her ear twitch because she things Shadow is her mother. I was just sitting here crying. But I am not going to eat no matter how painful this gets. I know eating the wrong things will just make me feel more sad and depressed. I told my husband I would go with him to put her down. I feel I owe it to Shadow and it would be too hard for my husband and daughter to have to go without me. I just hope I can get through it.
My foot is much better since I have been off it a lot but I am chomping at the bit to get back to my exercise DVDs. I might even try walking on it today if it seems OK. Maybe I can do some of my DVD exercises that don't involve jumping around or moving my feet around. If I just stand in one position maybe I can do them. I'll look at some of the Slim in 6 exercises... I don't want to make my foot worse or keep it from healing so if anything I do makes it hurt more than a little I will quit. At least I can still do my abdomen exercises which I definitely need the most. I'll try to go swimming tonight to relieve some stress.
I need to go for now and eat breakfast...

(4 comments)

02 September 2010

Spent the evening with my sister in law and my nephews who all came to our apt. to say goodbye to our dog. Everyone spoiled Shadow. She had lots of good times with the boys. They were all crying when they left. It was hard. Last night about 2am my daughter was in our bedroom petting our dog and sobbing her heart out. I sat and held her and talked with her a long while and encouraged her to let her feelings out until she was calmed down enough to go to sleep. I couldn't sleep last night because of thinking about Shadow and maybe because of the pain medicine.
My foot is much better since I stayed off it almost all day but it doesn't take much at all to create lots of pain in that foot. I only took a pain pill once today and I'm hoping I won't need one tonight. I'm taking Os-Cal D to help with the healing process too. I was happy to get to do my abdominal exercises with Jillian today. I wanted to go swimming but things were too busy for me to go tonight. I really want to go tomorrow.
I did my spiritual readings, my rosary, my step work, 1/2 hr. of Spanish and 1/2 hr. of Italian today and I unloaded the dishwasher. I did not try to clean the house because of my foot. I read my AA morning meditation. I remembered to pray this morning. Hopefully I will remember to pray tonight again. I stopped my prosperity meditations so I have to start them over from the beginning. I need to begin regular meditation some time soon as a regular spiritual practice. But first I need to accomplish am/pm prayers every day. I have managed some meditation time after my spiritual reading time.
Our family doctor said she is waiting to hear what the neurologist finds out about MS as far as my husband is concerned. That is on Tuesday. My husband and daughter are off on Monday so we will try to take it easy after the stressful weekend.
I am praying for God to get us through this terrible time. Thank you for your prayers. Love, Andrea

(5 comments)

01 September 2010

I am having a very difficult time because we are going to have to put our 13 yr old dog to sleep this Saturday. I am heartbroken. She has had tumors for a while and they are affecting her breathing now and her knees are getting very strained and we are afraid they may give out on her and put her in excruciating pain. We can't afford surgery for her knees but even if we could it would not be the kindest thing with the tumors she has. She grew up with my youngest daughter and she is like a member of the family. Her name is Shadow and she is a lab chow mix. She is very sweet and very protective of my daughter and I. She has been a wonderful dog and we have a lot of wonderful memories with her. One funny thing about her is that she has never liked water like most labs - my husband put her in the lake when she was a pup and she hated it. She still plays like a puppy and one of out cats thinks she is her mother. That poor cat will get depressed too. I've never lost a pet that has been in my family for a long time. I am worried I might slip back into depression again. And I'm worried I will really, really want to eat over it. I hope writing about her will help.
I went to the doctor today because my right foot was really, really hurting. I injured it about a week ago but I have been continuing to do my DVDs every day and walk on it and it has continued getting worse and worse. Finally today I couldn't take it anymore and went to the doctor. They took Xrays and the doctor didn't see anything broken yet but she thinks I have a stress fracture in my foot. She says it often doesn't show up in an Xray for a week or two so I am supposed to come back to be re-checked in two weeks. She gave me some pain pills but she didn't put a boot on me yet. She says if it doesn't get a lot better after I am off it for a few days she will put me in a boot. It is still hurting a lot even with the pain pill. It hurts to walk and to drive especially. I have my foot up and it is throbbing right now. I may try to ice it also. The biggest disappointment was that I can't do my DVD's for God knows how long now. The only exercise I can do is pool aerobics that don't involve standing on my foot or other non-weight bearing exercises. I figured out I can still do Jillian's abdominal exercises but not any of the rest of hers. I think it was her jumping jacks that caused the foot problem. I have no idea how long this will take to heal. I forgot to ask the doctor. Not very smart of me I know. I was just in so much pain - all I was hoping for was that they could do something to help me. I'm still totally in favor of DVD's. I just pushed myself too hard and I have a foot defect that caused me a problem but I'm not sorry I did them and I will go back to them as soon as I can just a bit more carefully. Now I will get to know the joys of water aerobics.
One good thing was that my doctor indicated she will help me find a medical reason for the insurance to help pay for plastic surgery when I need it for the loose skin. So that was encouraging.
My food was not good today. I went to the dentist and ended up having chili for breakfast at 12:45. I haven't had any veggies today because I usually have a salad with green peppers and tomatoes and avocados and I just haven't been home to have one today. I had a chef salad for lunch and yogurt and blueberries for dinner. If I can get my daughter to make me a salad I will have one tonight otherwise I will just skip the veggies for today.
Tomorrow I will have to try to stay off my foot which will be totally boring but will give me an excuse not to do housework. At least I can do my spiritual reading and my languages sitting down. And there's always TV and my books. Thank you Keli for the Rosetta Stone disc. I got it yesterday. I'll check it out tomorrow. And I love the card! Please say a prayer for our family this Saturday...

(7 comments)

30 August 2010

I am beginning to feel like the walking wounded. My left foot still hurts a bit - I think I sprained it but I kept on going and it is mostly better. My right knee is hurting from a previous surgery but it isn't too bad and it is mostly after I walk. Now my right foot by my little toe is hurting quite a bit mainly after I walk not so much after I do my DVDs. My Mom told me once we have genetically deformed feet and I think that is why my right foot is hurting. I just pray it doesn't affect my doing my DVDs because I really believe I need them to get in shape. We cancelled out Y membership because we didn't see when we could even go workout there and I was doing so well with my DVDs I was happy to keep on with them. Today I did Richard Simmons for 26 minutes and tomorrow will be Jillian again. I was amazed today when I noticed that I am getting some slight definition in my stomach area. It has to be from those abdominal exercises on Jillian's DVD. I was so thrilled. I'll still end up with muscles under some loose skin but I may look better than I feared. I am thinking about trying to do Jillian every day now. I'm not quite there but I'm seriously considering it now that I see some real results. I have to go pick up my daughter from college so I will finish this post later.
I ate way too many carbs yesterday because I chose to have a cup of watermelon. It wasn't even that good. I think I had about 39 carbs yesterday. Today was OK but I totally screwed up my meals and went 8 1/2 hrs. between breakfast and lunch. I don't mean to do it. I just don't get hungry so I forget to eat and before I know it it is dinnertime. I am going to have to set my phone alarm to remind me to eat lunch.
I practiced my Spanish and my Italian today. I did my Bible study, my spiritual reading, my AA morning meditation, and some step work. I wrote in my journal and I did some sudoku puzzles for fun. I didn't work on my house but I walked 45 minutes and drove my daughter back and forth to school and picked her up again and my husband back and forth to work. I was going to mass but I couldn't wake up once I went back to sleep after 5am. Next time I'll have to stay up after I drive my husband so I can make it to mass.
I still need to do my prosperity meditation and pray the rosary tonight.
I'm pretty tired already...

(3 comments)

29 August 2010

I managed to clean most of my living room but I still need to work on my bedroom. I decided today that spending every day on a new language is too difficult - too many vocabularies running together in my mind. So I am going to stay on each language for 4-7 days before I move on to another one and I will study Spanish every day because that is the most immediately useful. I did my Bible study - two kinds today and my other spiritual reading. I did my AA meditation. I still have to do my prosperity mediation, study some more Hebrew, and do my DVD exercises if I can convince my daughter to leave the living room for 1/2 hr. I did walk 45 minutes.
My husband is still having bad symptoms every day but all I can do is pray for him to get a quick and accurate diagnosis. It is frustrating and scaring but I am trying to channel all that negative energy into positive new behaviors.
I went to mass yesterday and it was wonderful. I haven't been in years. I actually got chills when the priest did the consecration of the wafers and the wine. To me it is truly changed into the body and blood of Christ by the consecration. I was so happy to receive communion - I felt blessed for a long while afterwards and felt very close to Jesus and God. I can't wait to go to mass again. I am going to go again tomorrow morning at 8:15a.
I am getting up around 5a and probably staying up so I can be ready for mass. I need more time these days for all my new projects. Sometimes I worry I am becoming a bit hyper...
I've been actually thinking that my depression may actually get better enough for me to go back to work. I have been doing well for at least a couple of weeks. I want to get rid of a lot more stuff around here, make sure the depression is completely on the mend and try to lose about 40 more lbs. before I go back to work. It will be a lot harder to keep my food priorities in line once I get back to work. It would be ideal if I could wait until I've lost all the weight before I go back but I think I probably need to go back to work sooner than that. I was thinking about doing a resume and trying to get a job and I almost had a panic attack. I know I'm not ready now. I still can't handle normal amounts of stress yet but I'm getting stronger. I've decided I probably won't go back into social work even though I have a master's degree in it. I don't think I can mentally handle it anymore. I'm thinking I'll try to get a job working in a bookstore. I've always loved books and I have several hundred at home. The only downside with working at a bookstore is that I'll spend some of my paycheck on books. And to me that isn't a downside.
I feel bad that I didn't do my DVD today. I tried to do it an hour after I got up but I just couldn't get going. I have to be more awake to exercise...If I don't get it done today tomorrow is a must.

(3 comments)

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