TaniaBarnet's Journal

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04 May 2020

Been unable to walk since Tuesday pm. my knee kept swelling till it was impossible to use my left leg. Rang ambulance middle of the night as pain was so intense and I was crying and screaming. They refused to come saying it was not covid-19 therefore not an emergency. Never mind not being able to breathe properly (lymphedema has swollen my abdomen and was squashing my vital organs). I felt so angry at our useless one-trick pony of NHS! Happy to get debts written off, happy to receive donations if food and money, but unhappy to look after emergencies like mine. So what if a fat woman wees and shits herself because she cannot get to the toilet or even bend her knee to sit and stand up? Not their problem.

Rang my GP the following morning. He defended the ambulance people. Said nobody can help me, that what did I think would happen with me putting weight on and on. Told me beds are not designed to take more than 160 kilos anyway and hospitals have to concentrate on saving lives. What about my life? I asked him. He then began telling me to write to Boris and Matt and complain and before I had a chance to say a thing he went in to say "anyway I am not going to go into politics" and finish off by saying "some people will have to be sacrificed for the greater good"!!

To say I was livid would be an understatement. He then texted me a link to send him a pic of my leg and after that prescribed me some antibiotics for cellulitis.

I have been thinking that there is no future for me because the GP confirmed eventually the lymphedema will crush my heart and lungs. I tried to tell him that I was fasting and doing well but he doesn't care and probably does not believe me. I thought of digging a knife in my leg to make the accumulated fluid run out. I cried bitter tears (literally! and stinging, too) because even to reach the knife I need help. I thought of drinking all my pills at once but feared they would wash my stomach and I'll be left more disabled if I don't do it right. I thought of assisted suicide clinics in Switzerland but with travel bans in place... fat chance! Then I thought that I am a parasite relying on my kid to survive and that whilst I am around, she will never have a life. And as I can't help myself, when she does go away (as she should) where will that leave me? Then I think that I am where I am now because of lack of love and that opens a whole can of worms.

Why is life so unfair? if we were Buddhist I would think I was a bad person in a previous life so came back to suffer for my past misdeeds. I would also have hope that if I behave well in spite of all adversity, I would earn a better life next time around.

The UK is a really bad country for those with health problems. I need to get out. But how when I can hardly move to access my toilet?

Last night I breathed in stomach fluid again. My gastric band plus the abdominal lymphedema means when I sleep sitting I still get fluid kicked upwards. what happens then is I wake up with my heart racing and coughing like mad. I haven't slept in a bed for almost 15 years. I used to sleep when my daughter's dad was there to cuddle me and offer his hip as a rest for my knee. He was aware when my body got uncomfortable and would massage my feet till the endorphins relaxed me and sleep claimed me. I was alright whilst being loved. After him there was a brief interlude with bigteddy but he was never meant to stay and it was an act of desperation on my side. That guy destroyed me. I vowed never to let anyone in, never to cling on anyone after him and I haven't.

Anyway, of course I have put on weight. My legs and abdomen are huge! The medication keeps playing havoc with my bowels - antibiotic diarrhoea countered by painkiller constipation. But if I do not take painkillers 3x day, I cannot even stand up. Sigh.

I hope I get to read this entry in the future and laugh about how low I felt. But in case this doesn't happen, at least the world will understand how the social isolation and NHS shortcomings led me here.

Weight:	Lost so far:	Still to go:	Diet followed:
197.7 kg	0 kg	77.7 kg	Reasonably Well

(6 comments) Gaining 0.8 kg a Week

17 April 2020

After shower and haircut. LOL 400 grams worth of hair? Impossible. Must have been the dirt. LOL Actually my entire skin was flaking and peeling. Never seen this happen before. Might be diet related? Medicine related? Who cares! Just accept the scales were lower today! :)

Weight:	Lost so far:	Still to go:	Diet followed:
195.7 kg	0 kg	75.7 kg	Reasonably Well

(1 comment) Losing 2.8 kg a Week

16 April 2020

Still swollen, bowels moving a bit but not enough. Huge fluid retention due to lymphedema. Now it is starting to cause me trouble as in hard belly pressing against groin = incontinence and when it is pressing upwards = stomach fluid coming up. I really don't know what to do. My child is not looking after me. Just keeps me alive with the bare minimum. Life used to be so nice once a long long time ago!

Weight:	Lost so far:	Still to go:	Diet followed:
196.1 kg	0 kg	76.1 kg	Reasonably Well

(1 comment) Gaining 1.1 kg a Week

13 April 2020

So swollen! And still constipated despite managing to go a bit thanks to daily Dulcolax. I think the antibiotic and pain meds are causing me constipation. Started fasting again. It is only for a week now. I miss seeing the scales going down. Makes me feel lazy and unaccomplished when I gain weight. I was expecting the coronavirus to be this life changing event but it is just another annoying thing added to the huge list of annoying things in my life. Nothing has changed. If anything, things are worse because kid is at home and there is no outside help. I start each day with these big plans and the moment I stand on my achy knees, my swollen belly dragging my spine down (I walk bent down) I realise how impossible any task is. I should really wash my hair... but can't get into bathtub which means I have to stand up by side of bath, bend my upper body forward and try a quick shampoo and rinse before my belly starts aching from contact with the bath lip and my knees are bruised from contact with the bath side in an attempt to keep me from falling over. Meanwhile the world keeps spinning and I am questioning what is my purpose. Why am I such a mess... The only way someone could understand how my body feels is if they took some cement blocks and tied one behind each thigh and one on their lower belly. Then try to lie in bed... or bend over the bathtub... or sit and stand up and walk. But nobody understands another person's pain. Nobody cares.

(6 comments)

10 April 2020

No wraps, after toilet. Haven't had wraps on for over a week and my legs and abdomen are horrendously swollen with fluid. Add constipation to the mix... and there is the result. On 7th April weight was 195.8 so I actually lost 600 grams for what it's worth. But sad to see overall I am heavier than my lightest this dieting period.

Weight:	Lost so far:	Still to go:	Diet followed:
195.2 kg	0 kg	75.2 kg	Poorly

Add Comment Losing 1.4 kg a Week

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