kmartdollie's Journal

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04 November 2012

I just wanted to share a story of what happened to me yesterday. I was at Walmart, checking out. My cashier was a younger woman, very pretty, kind of chubby but very cute. She noticed my sugar free candy in the cart, and she said "Mmmm, peanut butter cups, that sounds good." I told her, "Oh, they're sugar free. I'm a diabetic and can't eat the real sugar." She said "Oh, that must be how you stay skinny." I couldn't BELIEVE it! No one has said that to me since I was in high school. My friends family and coworkers constantly provide positive reinforcement, but I always thought they were telling me I was slim COMPARED to how I USED to look - not that I was OBJECTIVELY slim. And here is this total stranger observing that I am "skinny". It was such an awesome moment.

I am going to go to FIERCE class today, and walk the dog. I really am feeling a lot better so I am going to track today also, I think. Still keeping the RDI at 1500 right now. I think today will be a good day, and I really need another one.

(4 comments)

03 November 2012

I had a much better day today. I think my new meds are working - I got put back on Lithium, which really worked for me for a long time. I basically got off of it and got on another med because my hair has been falling out and I thought the Lithium might have caused it. At this point, I'd rather be bald and sane. Other than that, I was able to track today, and I had a really good workout - did the elliptical, abs and ran 3.2 miles. I was really productive today and overall had a really good day. I think I'm going to bump up my RDI to 1500 for a while - not a long while but for a while to get the pressure of 1300 off of me. I figure if I keep exercising how I am, my weight loss should slow but I will be still losing. I am trying to be very gentle with myself right now - losing weight is still a priority, but now it's a much less priority than getting stable and getting out of this.

(1 comment)

02 November 2012

Thanks for all of your support. My meds got changed with my bipolar and I am feeling a little better today. It's scary how sick I can get - I literally cannot separate fantasy and reality sometimes when I am manic. I went and saw my doctor today and she agreed with me that my rather punishing approach to calorie counting and exercise is probably exacerabating my stress and is not healthy for me right now. So I'm letting go of the food and exercise diaries for now. I am not up to logging every morsel and every tiny bit of activity several times a day right now. I just have to let it go for now. I am going to keep journalling, but if anyone pays attention to my Diet Calendar, it's going to blank for at least a few days. Thanks everyone!

(3 comments)

30 October 2012

I am having a lot of concerns today about my health. I feel absolutely terrible - I think I have posted here before that I am bipolar. I am struggling with my mental health today, and have been for the past few days. It is so bad that I actually think I am going to have the courage to quit my job. I also feel very guilty right now that I may have that option. All this being said, the pressure of the decision is really affecting my weight loss today. My appetite has been so forced the past few days. I am actually forcing myself to eat, which is not natural. I even made pasta tonight with zucchini and low carb pasta, and normally that is a meal that I absolutely love. It tasted really good, but I had to make myself eat it, which is so not like me. And I can't be held accountable today. I am so distracted with my bipolar disorder that I have trouble remembering all the food I ate, when I ate it, how many times I ate it, the servings, counting the carbs, etc. Even when Fat Secret does most of it for you. I feel like I should be able to let go, and trust and believe that tomorrow is another day. I don't have to be perfectly accountable every single second of every day. I can let the calorie logging go for one or two days if it's too much pressure. I can not go to the gym if I am not up to it that day. I do feel a responsiblity to walk my dog every day whether I feel like it or not. That has been helping me. But I just want to forget I'm dieting for today. I just want to do things that improve my mood, light and fluffy things. I just want to read a magazine. I just want to draw. I am actually kind of freaked out right now by the radio and tv - I love listening to the radio and watching tv, but I don't trust my thoughts right now, if that makes any sense. I feel so pulled down by the negative and the darkness, and my food issues are a big part of that. I just want to feel sweetness and light again, even if that sweetness is a couple of packets of Sweet N Low in a cup of decaf coffee.

(4 comments)

29 October 2012

I am having a very weird day. I have been having a lot of medical issues lately, probably some psychomatic stuff. In layman's terms, it's probably all in my head. I haven't been able to eat a lot over the past couple of days and it's very strange. I always want to eat more, more, more, and my appetite is gone, along with half my mind. I have never felt this way before in my life. I realize it's actually possible that I could get too thin. I have actually been kind of forcing myself to eat in the past couple of days, and it's not good. I work out A LOT, and usually I subtly overeat. I'm pretty elastic with my calorie counting, I will be the first to admit. I'm very good with my exercise logging. I never log exercise until I've actually done it. I don't know how to relax my rigid self discipline. I've never thought of myself as a self-disciplined person before, but I realize I am now obsessed with diet and exercise and it's a weight I'd like off of my shoulders and I don't know if I can get it off of my shoulders. I want to log things because it helps me. I know it helps me, with the carb counts for the diabetes, and generally keeping track of how much I've eaten. Usually that gets away from me. The way I feel the past couple of days, it's difficult for me to remember what I've eaten, and usually that is not a problem. I don't feel scared, but challenged by my own rigidity. I don't know if that makes sense.

I also realize I am very critical of other women. (Sorry guys, if there are actually men that read me rant and rave on this). I don't mean to be, but it was taught to me from childhood. I am very critical of other women's personalities and of course, the way they look. I know this is odd, but I used to be a fashion designer in another life. I did it for 9 years. I worked in New York City. I worked for some amazing companies, which I will not list here. I can't believe I did it for over a decade and I am sane at all. Because it taught me to hate myself, and it reinforced that hate every day, in subtle ways. I used to live in East Harlem, because I couldn't afford a "better" apartment. Every day when I left my apartment, I was sexually harrassed, for lack of a better word. I know the men in that neighborhood didn't mean it, but it felt terrible. They would yell at me in the street, calling me "Mami" and making sucking noises, telling me "beautiful, beautiful" in their Dominican and Puerto Rican accents. It was like a psychological minefield, just getting from my front door to the subway just to go to work. However, when I did get to the subway, I went downtown to go to work. If anyone has ever been to New York, you know if you've ever taken the subway, it can take you between worlds in an instant. When I would get off the train to go to work, or go downtown where I loved it the most, I would climb up those steps and my world would be bleak. I was the fattest bitch walking down 7th Avenue. I was the chubbiest girl in Soho. No men ever told me I was beautiful, whether I wanted them to or not. At work, all the women of all sizes that worked for these fashion companies, they were all starving. Everyone was on a diet, from the models to the designers to the receptionists. No one that worked for these companies thought they were pretty, or beautiful. It was such a competition, and we all lost. All of us were starving, and jealous of everyone else because we thought the other woman had it easier and could actually manage the starvation. And the women we were most jealous of, the models, starved the most. Sometimes they starved so much, they would actually do heroin in the bathroom. Working in this environment, it really was soul crushing. It killed beauty and guarded the dead body jealously. It killed beauty because we, as women, were not encouraged to share. I think going through that for almost a decade made me so hypercritical of other women and their bodies. So if I have offended anyone with my angry journals, I am apologizing. Tonight I saw a woman at the gym I was jealous of. Not because she was pretty, or blonde, or her body was like a finely tuned machine. No, I was jealous of her because I walked by her treadmill and I saw she was running at 6.7 miles an hour. At this point, I can only run at 4.0. I wanted to be like her, and for what she was doing, not for the way she looked.

(4 comments)

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