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I haven’t seen the 30’s in so long. I have the biggest cheesy grin on my face... I remember when I hit the 40’s and could barely believe it.
I really can’t describe my thoughts on this process.
During the peak of my ptsd I just kind of accepted that the scale went up basically every time I stood on it... I barely even noticed it, it was a gradual and steady weight gain. I even have friends who don’t believe I was almost 170, when I discuss my new lifestyle and reasons with them. I did become a home body and I did dress much differently to disguise the weight. But now I am much closer to my goals... which is mind blogging since I still haven’t worked out, all I have done is eat less sugar and more fat... who knew?! 🤷♀️🤣
I have these visions of me being happy and healthy and wearing clothes that make me feel sexy again... I have lossed basically ALLLLLLL of my confidence since gaining weight. My whole life I have struggled with that. Honestly I have always been the type of person to not wear shorts or dresses or clothing that showed my legs or stomach... I mean I modeled and had abs and a physical trainer and still hated my body. What the heck was wrong with me? What’s wrong with me now?! I see the most gorgeous women out and about rocking clothes with confidence and always think to myself “I wish I had that mindset... I wish I loved myself enough to just wear that.” But instead I stand in front of the mirror and pick myself apart. The clothes I put on are either too tight and show my flaws or not flattering...
As I write this I know my struggles may seem petty to some or most people. But they are real and something I am slowly overcoming, something I am slowly awakening from. I am becoming more grateful of this body and trying to crush those old demons who told me I wasn’t good enough.
I do know where these awful self esteem issues came from... my mother. Which is why I pretend to love my body for my children. They don’t know my internal struggles but do know my goals to get healthier and lower my carbs, they don’t know it is to control my weight, gain energy and confidence. Because I hope to never project my insecurities onto them.
Phew, I honestly just needed to get this all out to basically move on. I will reach my goals and seeing the scale today made me realize I am really almost there and it reminded me how I got here... where I am going and why I am doing it. Who knew losing weight could be such an emotional or eye opening journey as well... my mind has been racing all morning with realizations, this post is probably a jumbled mumbled mess of typos of unfinished thoughts, but today was a healing day for me.
Today I chose to not let society, media or my past determine how I feel about myself!! Today I chose self love!!!
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63.4 kg
Lost so far: 12.7 kg.
Still to go: 8.0 kg.
Diet followed: Reasonably Well.
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View Diet Calendar, 08 February 2018:
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1050 kcal
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Fat: 78.52g | Prot: 66.20g | Carbs: 25.23g.
Breakfast: Calavo Avocado, Great Value Garden Vegetable Cream Cheese, Tapatio Hot Sauce, Parmesan Cheese (Shredded) , Kroger Whole Eggs (Medium), Bob's Red Mill Almond Meal Flour, Bacon Grease , Bertolli Extra Virgin Olive Oil, Kraft Shredded Parmesan Cheese, Cream Cheese , Onions . Dinner: Siggi's Icelandic Style Plain Yogurt, Broccoli , Fletcher's Masterpiece Dry Cured Bacon, Bacon Grease , Chicken Breast, Kraft 100% Grated Parmesan Cheese. more...
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Losing 1.8 kg a Week
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 Comments
please exclude your weight as defining who or what you are.
08 Feb 18 by member: heyitsjude22
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@klynn you are beautiful and thank you for sharing!! I believe that we should be our own best friends and cheerleaders... but it is hard. We should write out all of our ugly thoughts about ourselves and then address them as if a friend was saying that, break down why and how to change it.
For me I hate my stretch marks, but that stomach gave life to two amazing children and they are just scars... I don’t hide my scars on my arms or legs shamefully. But I have never really showed anyone my stomach... like ANYONE... 🙈🤷♀️ I am actually embarrassed of how embarrassed I am of these stupid little scars, if that makes sense...
08 Feb 18 by member: mamamc7
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@clay yes, I swear I find beauty in everyone else I see... their confidence and style and physical qualities... but I can’t find those in myself....
08 Feb 18 by member: mamamc7
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Thank you for sharing 💜 “There is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being unapologetically herself; comfortable in her perfect imperfection. To me, that is the true essence of beauty.”
Steve Maraboli
08 Feb 18 by member: SinnaBunz
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Thank you for your words and your post!!! You are very brave! Our pasts don't have to define us, but it is such a hard journey to travel! I am 67 years old and grew up with a mother who left lasting words that echo in my ears even now. It is only in the last year or two that I have been able to hear them, but not FEEL them anymore. PSTD is so difficult. My heart goes out to you. Noone can make things better or take away that trauma, though we wish we could. You are making such wonderful steps for yourself and should be so proud of where you are and where you are going. More people than you know "know how you feel". No, we don't have the same experiences, but the feelings are the same. You are doing this. You are on a journey to wholeness and wellness. Be so very proud of yourself for all that you have survived; all that you have experienced and come through; all that you are doing the hard work to be. It is not an easy road for anyone, but you made the decision to do it and you are facing your realizations and moving forward! Sending you hugs and support and gratitude for your words.! Have a wonderful day. Keep taking care of you!
08 Feb 18 by member: Tachatna
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@ny_shelly thanks. I have decided to do parenting much differently than my mother for obvious reasons. No yelling, spanking or shaming... just teaching them to be who they are meant to be... trust me it would be easier to yell, spank, say no to everything or try to mold them into who I think they should be... but I make choices every single day to NOT be who my mom was and cause the pains. I have seen the cycle repeat in others lives and that hurts me... parenting isn’t supposed to be easy, but it’s worth it.
08 Feb 18 by member: mamamc7
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@sinnabunz so true. We all have faults and that’s what makes us beautiful...
08 Feb 18 by member: mamamc7
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@heyitsjude22 I try... I truly try. I am slowly crushing those nasty thoughts that tear myself apart.
08 Feb 18 by member: mamamc7
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@tachatna I am so glad you don’t feel those thoughts anymore! That’s truly inspiring for me, one day I will defeat these thoughts!! PTSD is difficult but after four years of dwelling in this pain and it physically destroying me... I choose to let go. I don’t want to harbor this anger or grief anymore. I think I need to climb to the mountain top and scream tomorrow. Sounds freeing... I just might do this...
08 Feb 18 by member: mamamc7
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@tinkerbell101 I wish the self love came easy for me... hopefully one day it will be a natural and effortless thing
08 Feb 18 by member: mamamc7
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I have every confidence in you!!! You have come so far already. YOU inspire ME! There will be days that are more difficult than others, but they will get fewer and fewer. If you ever start to doubt that, look where you were and where you are NOW!! It will happen and I am so proud of you!
08 Feb 18 by member: Tachatna
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thank you for sharing your very personal struggle..you are a strong, wonderful mother who is breaking the cycle of overbearing critical mothers who tear down their children and can "rock" whatever you chose to wear be proud of what you are doing we are proud of you Mamamc
08 Feb 18 by member: janstromberg
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@janstromberg thank you. Support here on FS has been a huge deal to me... I appreciate everyone letting me be raw in these emotions, accepting and supporting me through all this!!
08 Feb 18 by member: mamamc7
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You SHOULD smile! You’re doing fantastic!
08 Feb 18 by member: ClarityAnn
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Thanks @clarityann I'm pretty excited to be more than 1/2 way to my goals!!
08 Feb 18 by member: mamamc7
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Amazing. I think you just described me. My Mom had low self esteem because of my dad. I know she never intended to but she rubbed off on me. Love it!!
09 Feb 18 by member: Proudmomma412
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@proudmomma it’s so sad how parents really can shape who their kids become in a bad way... I am so glad I was able to see it and stop the cycle. I probably went to opposite, my kids are spoiled (but grateful), I make sure to hug them every morning and tuck them in every night, we constantly praise them... my kids have never screamed at me, slammed doors, thrown tantrums or done anything to really need much discipline... I know when I was their ages I was rebelling against my mother already, because she was a spanker, screamer, strict, always saying no, always punishing us, always talking down to us... the neighborhood kids were afraid of her.
09 Feb 18 by member: mamamc7
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