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I'm sure some of you will think I'm crazy for what I'm about to say, but I've long ago let go of what other people think about me, my life, or my decisions. That being said, I'm leaving my husband. We're both on the same page with this. We're not in love anymore. He's not a fighter, and I need someone who can fight for us.
Our four year anniversary is in 6 days. I love him very much. He loves me very much. We're just not good together. We're going to try to be friends again, the way we started. I'm going to stay in our new house until the summer so that it's easier on our son. He's 7. He's technically not my son. He's my stepson, but I would punch you in the face if you pointed out that discrepency to me on the street. I have been his mom for 5 1/2 years now. His biological mother is deceased. He makes it so much harder to do this.
We're going to be as friendly as possible with each other for his sake. I'm going to find an apartment in a nearby city so I can still see him on a regular basis. I'm keeping a key to the house so that I can still be here for him if he needs me. It will be good for everybody. James and I are not happy together. We haven't been happy together for over 3 years now. We've just been holding on and hoping and praying and I've been banging my head against a steel door. Nothing is changing between us as far as our relationship goes. It's not getting better; we're just starting to resent each other. I don't want to hate him. He doesn't want to hate me.
It's going to be wierd living in the same house with him when we're not "together". It's going to be strange faking it for Nathanial, but we both agree that it's best to not interrupt him in the middle of his school year. He has ENOUGH drama to deal with, with his maternal grandpahrents. That's enough crazy for anyone's lifetime. I contribute a lot of our demise to his grandmother. She's a nasty, bitter person. It's been a horrible experience dealing with her. If I walk away from this marriage and my son, then she is winning... but I'm NOT walking away from my son. I'm just changing my relationship with James. He's a good man, but he can't see anything other than my faults at this point in our lives. I deserve better than that. The fact that I know that, speaks volumes.
This is hard. I'm not trying to make light of that. This is the absolute hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. I cried for hours last night. It hurts so intensely.. a searing pain around my heart. At the same time, I feel this immense weight has been lifted off of me. No more pretending that we're okay. No more faking it every single day to the whole world. No more empty I love yous just to try to convince the other one. No more cold kisses. No more praying for it to get better. It's liberating.
I will miss what we had because at times, we had it all. I will miss his hugs and kisses when he meant them. I will miss the love we used to know, but I've been missing that for a very long time. Now, I can mourn it.. and move on.
Smiling. (and crying just a little).
Pretty
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