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Glass
One of my employees told me today that I seem like glass, as though I will shatter if anyone touches me too quickly or suddenly. No sound when the break occurs, just a silent splintering and a pile on the floor. That is how I have felt for days. Maybe even longer, but it's more apparent lately. She also told me I seem like I'm trapped. I snorted when she said that. Not out of derision but because it's so appropriate. I told her I'm living in that scene from Star Wars when Luke, Han, Chewbacca & Leia are in the garbage compactor and there's that big octopus monstor that keeps dragging Luke beneath the yergh. The walls are pressing in, and Luke & Han are dressed as Storm Troopers, and they looked like they're about to be crushed along with all the garbage when R2D2 saves the day (I think it was him; I can't remember now). I don't know what my R2D2 is going to be, but perhaps going to Hawaii for 5 weeks in January will help me figure it out.
Getting a handle on my body - image, weight, health - is more than some challenge or control issue. It's a matter of needing to know I am not leaving it up to chance. But this process, this new way of doing this, is forcing me to be a lot more intentional in different ways. When I did Weight Watchers, I lost a lot of weight. But when the proverbial poop hits the fan (like what I am going through right now), my ability to keep it up just disappears.
Trying this new approach with timing eating as well as intake of certain foods is less severe in certain aspects than Weight Watchers (I mean, decadent chocolate cake? :: SWOON ::), but requires just as much dedication to paying attention. I will eventually work in the timed exercise as well, because I always look and feel so much better when I exercise. Let's face it, muscle tone and a tight shape are always a plus. I figure if I can get a handle on this now, in the middle of the clusterf*ck that is currently my life, I may actually be able to sustain it for the rest of my life.
(SIDENOTE: I feel guilty for writing such depressing sounding journal entries, but another goal I have is to journal daily, and so far, the tenor of my current situ is leaning heavily toward the Drama Department. So, I'll keep waffling along, getting yanked into the yergh by the octopus garbage monster, but I shan't let it keep from chronicling this process. 'Sides, I'm not usually prone to long stretches of self-pity, so all the worries of the days will hopefully be joke-fodder in a few months. ENDNOTE:)
12/16/09 FOOD TIMING
Night prior bedtime: 1:15A
Wake time: 8:20A
9:15 - 11:30 Green Tea
11:55 - Lunch (ate early enough to eat the carbs I wanted to eat)
12:00 - 1:30 Green Tea
2:15 - 4:30 Green Tea
4:30 - Soy Nuts
5:00 - 6:30 - Water
7:10 - Dinner (still wanted something sweet after dinner, ate 3/4 of a fuyu persimmon & 3 squares of extra dark choc), Water.
8:00 - 9:00 - Peppermint Tea (caffeine free)
Bedtime needs to be earlier and I need to take my fish-oil supplement. Carbonated water was cut today. Am having issues drinking as much tea as I am AND water, but I know it will help flush & metabolize, so that's my goal tomorrow - concentrate on water.
One day at a time.
View Diet Calendar, 16 December 2009:
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1629 kcal
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Fat: 67.80g | Prot: 92.59g | Carbs: 164.45g.
Breakfast: green tea. Lunch: green tea, spice cookie, gingerbread, Raspberry Crumb Bars, broccoli, onion, olive oil, ground beef, Roasted Parsnips. Dinner: radicchio, Ricotta Salata, Hand Made Style Corn Tortillas, beef chuck, peppermint tea, Broccoli Parmesan Puree, arugula, persimmon, fuyu. Snacks/Other: chocolove, Soy Nuts, Organic Crunch Dried Snacks, green tea. more...
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