jsfantome's Journal, 10 Aug 11

You people are all AWESOME!

Finding our own ‘way’ in this journey is really what it’s all about!! I’ve had my struggles, and likely…you are having yours.

Sometimes it is a really good decision to not freak out about a struggle – to have peace in the midst of a storm – to be patient (not really my strong suit!), and yet it becomes part of what we need to learn for our own progress. Other times you kinda need a ‘fighting’ attitude. One that will persevere through the spits and spurts and continue to look back at your own journals and food logs – like a detective – discovering the places needing your attention.

YOU are not on anyone’s timetable – but your own. I gave myself the added pressure of wanting this WOE to work for me RIGHT AWAY – because I had already wasted an entire year eating low fat and counting calories and spinning my wheels. My timetable was screaming at me when I started. Then, after shooting myself in the foot, (see yesterday’s journal for that story) I wanted nothing more than to just get on that stupid scale one day and see it go down.

My expectations were NOT for some crazy 10 lb drop in a week! Just one pound… just give me a one pound drop already!!!

So, why do I tell all of you guys all of this stuff… Because I know someone reading this is going thru the same thing. And I just want that person to know to STICK IT OUT! It really does become worth it.

All the while that I was planning menus, tracking, and engaging in this group setting (that I discussed yesterday)… I was beginning to pay attention to some of the thoughts, emotions, and reactions I was having on a personal level. I began to take a different ‘journey’ of sorts… and go back to a time when I was a young girl, happy, carefree, loved, and a normal weight.

I worked my way forward from there – over months and months of time – finding peace through forgiveness, letting go of some of the things that were at the root of why I would turn to food to comfort myself in the first place. Sounds weird, but I worked myself backwards at first. My most recent weight gain was from the loss of my Dad, a life turned upside down w/ my Mom’s illness, and stressful overworked job schedule. Yeah, I overate. I ate when I was upset. When I was scared. When I was MAD. I used food like a drug – to self medicate away the pain. And I just kept gaining…

But where did that start? Going backwards thru my life, I saw issues that I repeatedly turned to food – the silent comforter! Marriage problems, Teenager problems, Old Age Parent problems, Overworked, Isolated, and a Lack of Friends problem, Financial problem, Prior Divorce problem, Co Dependent problem, Low Self Esteem problem, Early Sexual problems – ok, where the heck is the happy, carefree young girl I remember in my head???

She was left behind at 13 years old after being sexually abused and molested.

It was about one year ago, that I said those words out loud to my husband for the first time, ever, to anyone.

Whatever went on in my life back then, required me to face it now … or risk never being free from FOOD controlling me forever. I had some very deep, very ingrained habits – of ignoring the pain, covering the hurt, feeling unprotected and abandoned by those I loved – and when my Dad died – I was angry at myself for never having had the courage to tell him how angry I was that he and my Mom didn’t protect me from this. (they didn’t know) and yet to a young girl – they were my parents. And in my head, they had failed me.

My husband, and professional therapy – helped me go back to the young girl, and make peace with myself. I didn’t do anything to cause this, or make this happen in my life. I felt as though I had failed myself – and yet I was too immature to know then what to do about all of this. I needed to ask myself for forgiveness. I needed to start loving myself again.

Oh, and you thought this was just about wanting to lose weight, did ya? Life is never that simple… at least not for me.

So, when I talk about changing MINDSETS, getting out of your COMFORT ZONE, learning to LOVE and BE LOVED, and adopting a new attitude towards FOOD, it’s because – FOR ME – it became my focus. There was way more to this than counting carbs. Especially if I was going to actually see this change last as a new way of eating and a new lifestyle.

No point in having a new lifestyle filled with old unresolved ‘issues’ – or I would easily become just another statistic falling away and regaining the weight. It was time for some REAL CHANGE. And all of this personal growth stuff – opened the floodgates BIG TIME!

Still a work in progress – but coming out the other side of the forest. And while not everyone has such deep seeded issues to contend with – please know we have all walked thru crap in our lives! I am still learning that how I respond to life – instead of just reacting from a place of ‘old habits’ – makes all the difference.

Bottom line – if you need help, ask for it. If that requires professional help, so be it. If you want to change your life, your weight, your world, … then you are going to have to commit to it. These changes are not easy…BUT WORTH IT! YOU ARE WORTH IT! I never believed that about myself until starting this journey. I AM WORTH IT.

But no one can do this personal growth stuff for you…but you.

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1453 kcal

Fat: 106.99g | Prot: 98.15g | Carbs: 16.29g.   Breakfast: hidden carbs, eggland's best eggs (9AM), bacon (9AM), coffee (8oz) black, water (6-10 AM). Lunch: egg salad, Romaine lettuce. Dinner: sirloin steak tips, fresh parm cheese (1 oz.), bacon ranch dressing (2 tbsp), bacon pieces, water (4-6), hidden carbs, romaine, olive oil. Snacks/Other: Hellman's Mayo, chicken, water . more...