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Back to journaling and recording food. I mean it. I just picked up a book called The End of Overeating. Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite, by David A. Kessler, MD. Of course, with the attention span of a gnat over the last couple of years, I really doubt I'll FINISH this book, either! But... first couple of pages hit me to the core. I'm NOT alone. I may be "thin" at this point, and Lord knows, NO intention of ever being fat again. But... do I have a handle on food? Do I have a healthy relationship with food? Hell no. Wish I could say that. Here it is, nearly an entire year into this process and I have NOT conquered my weird relationship with food. Let me expand on this by what I totally related to in these first few pages:
The author decided to study people and their relationship with food, how they go about it and then to dig in, ask what the internal dialogue is going on inside. He started off by doing an experiment himself. He bought a couple of homemade chocolate chip cookies at a bakery, took them home and set them on a plate just out of reach. He stared at them for a while and realized he completely overlooked the flowers on the table and even the photos of his children. He decided to read the paper, concentrate on that for a while. He found he'd unconsciously moved his hand a couple inches closer to the cookies. He decided to go upstairs to his office, almost as far from the kitchen as he could get and still found his mind going back to the image of the cookies. When he eventually left the house without eating them, he felt triumphant. When he later stopped at a coffee shop, he saw a jar of homemade cookies on the counter and immediately bought and ate one.
He then worked with an overweight man who was an accomplished journalist - he'd covered jihadists, the war, terrorism, but when Dr. Kessler set a bowl of M & M's on the table in front of him, he felt barely able to cope. He says, "When I'm in a meeting or interviewing someone and there is food on the table, I'll spend half my time thinking about that food," he admitted. His internal dialogue seesaws between, "Man, that looks good, I could eat that," and "I'm not going to eat that because I don't need it."
His conflict begins early in the day and never lets up. "I wake up in the morning knowing that food is my enemy and that I am my own enemy," he observed. "It's uncontrollable." ".... like so many people, Andrew sees food as an obstacle course he must navigate." (I can SO relate to that)
He described what he calls his "food soundtrack." "When I finished my bowl of Wheaties today, I immediately thought,'Let me bring a banana and an apple to work so I'm not tempted, so I don't eat that corn muffin downstairs at the office>'
But any success is momentary and is quickly replaced by further thoughts of food. "I talk to myself," he said. "I'll ask, 'What am I going to eat for lunch?' 'What if I get hungry at three?' 'What are we having for dinner? I hope it's good.'" He concludes with, "I can comprehend suicide terrorism more easily than I can comprehend somebody who just doesn't think about food," he said, without a trace of facetiousness. (Okay... i can SO relate to THAT statement, as well)
So you see? I'm not "fixed", nor "cured", nor any better than anyone on this site still dealing with the getting the weight off part. Because this is an ongoing issue and it's almost MORE frightening to me - the idea of putting weight back ON than it was to try to lose 50+ pounds in the first place. One is maybe not succeeding, the other is more of a "failing". Does that make any sense?
Wow...see what happens when I don't have an hour or more of exercise to keep me busy?! lol... Anyway, these are thoughts I'm just throwing out there. I'm not expecting (or even hoping) for a "cure" from you guys...more like hoping to have kind, sympathetic sounding boards, people that can be compasssionate, maybe even relate to these thoughts and fears. NOT that I'm not open to suggestions...just that I'm not hoping one of you can come along and "fix" me. I'm pretty sure a lot of this will have to come about internally.
And it'd be nice if I could actually make myself finish a book for once! lol...
Aside from the "heaviness" of the subject matter, I AM feeling good, feeling upbeat, positive, loving life. (it's just that the fear has not been eradicated as of yet) Also, I'm hoping that if I get back to journaling daily, to recording food again religiously, then I can remain accountable. Besides... I miss finding out what's going on in my buddies lives! Here's to a great and powerful week ahead to us all!
View Diet Calendar, 13 December 2010:
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1811 kcal
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Fat: 51.41g | Prot: 92.87g | Carbs: 232.34g.
Breakfast: Clementines, Chewy Bars - Oats & Peanut Butter, DBL CHOC CHIPS, Blueberries, Almonds, English Walnuts, Sugar Free French Vanilla Coffee Creamer, greek style yogurt, organic flax pumpkin granola. Lunch: Chicken Caeser Salad. Dinner: Ketchup, Beef Top Round (Lean Only, Trimmed to 1/8" Fat, All Grades), Cabernet Sauvignon Wine, Sourdough Bread, Hamburger Buns, Mediterranean complete salad kit. Snacks/Other: fiber one bar, pear. more...
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 Comments
RWL first let me say what you accomplished is a huge thing in of itself. Secondly, I think what you're feeling and thinking is something everyone goes through whether they're at the beginning, middle, or end of the weightloss road. Even once you've crossed the finish line you have to keep it up, maintain and sometimes that's the hardest part. I know for me, right now I'm stuck at a point and I'm really scared my weight isn't going to budge. I don't want to give up but then little thoughts start creeping in my head. It's a hard journey for sure! BUT you are doing GREAT! You see where your weaknesses are, acknowledge for what they are, and deal with them. I think that's the most important part. I hope you have a great day BSWW and think of reading that book your arm exercise for the day..lol. DO IT!
13 Dec 10 by member: Junebug7210
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D, let me just say that I know EXACTLY where you are coming from.....everyday that my weight remains the same is a battle with the voices in my head that are telling me, "You're not losing anyway, so why work so hard?" "Christmas is coming and it will be alright to eat a little fudge, cookies, and candy, and then get back at it, since nothing is working right now anyway." "Why even bother anymore since it isn't doing any good?" These are actual conversations I have had with myself in the past couple of weeks. Am I scared that I will go back there??? OH YEAH! Am I determined not to??? ABSOLUTELY! Can I persevere??? I HOPE SO! So I have fear, determination, and hope. I pray everyday that I never go back to where I was, and that God will help me continue to lose the weight that I need to lose to be healthy...ultimately, only time will tell. I am trying fix whatever is broken in me that makes me feel the need to sabotage myself, and whatever it is that makes my relationship with food so unhealthy. You are doing awesome, and recognizing the pitfalls of your relationship with food is the biggest step in conquering it...the next biggest is the desire to do so! And you have both of those covered! <3<3<3 Have a great day!
13 Dec 10 by member: ctlss
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Ditto what Junebug said, but I had to look up BSWW (lol). We are, *in a way,* addicted to food but, unlike other addictive substances such as alcohol and tobacco, we need it to live... a very subtle but significant difference. So, to be thinking about it constantly may not be too far away from our natural state. It's a great subject for me on this day as I have been thinking about the exact same things that you mention above. I'm starving right now! :-). Anyway, this is exactly what we need to be contemplating in order to maintain, which is easier than losing in my opinion but certainly not easy... at all. BTW, why haven't you weighed in lately buddy? ;-)
13 Dec 10 by member: information
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Hi Youngbug! Did you laugh as hard as I did???
13 Dec 10 by member: redwinelover
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Youngbug... And thanks, and I know I'm not alone in thinking/feeling this way (back to your response). And ha ha ha .... I've picked up (and put down) the book several times today! lol... well, I did some "theraputic" shopping... feeling better about the whole thing. Guess I can't solve the WORLD'S problems that easily, huh?
13 Dec 10 by member: redwinelover
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Ahh.... S - you always know just what to say! NOT that I'm happy anyone else struggles with these inner demons, but that you "get me" and can relate! And yes, those broken parts! I think this is one place where sticking to this site, leaning on my friends here, staying accountable - those things will help with this broken place until it, too, is healed. <3 <3 <3 <3... you're awesome!
13 Dec 10 by member: redwinelover
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Those broken parts....such a hard thing to heal, isn't it? I am working on it though! As for the demons, they are tenacious and determined to cause us to fail. That is their sole reason for being...to bring us down. Ridding ouselves of them may be the hardest part of this journey, but having a great support system (such as buddies like you and so many on FS) is the best tool we have. And yes you are right, sticking to this site, leaning on our friends, and being faithful to ourselves (and that includes accountability) is what will eventually heal our broken places...<3<3<3<3<3...and I think you're awesome!!!
13 Dec 10 by member: ctlss
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Hi Info! I, too, looked up BSWW on Urban Dictionary a few days ago when miss juney-bug posted on my wall on FB! lol... And you know what? That wasn't what she was saying! ha ha ha... she was lovingly calling me her pet nickname for me! Thank God she left it at initials on my FB or I might have had some "s'plainin'" to do! The jury's out for me as to whether maintaining will be easier than losing. I really, REALLY do not want to live my life white knuckling it, thinking about food constantly. I want to be "normal" - eat because I'm hungry, stop before I'm uncomfortable, and think about food because I AM getting hungry. Not because I see it or something triggers the urge to eat. It's going to be a journey of it's own, to be sure!
13 Dec 10 by member: redwinelover
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Oh! And I didn't weigh in for two reasons...not feeling particularly "thin" the past two days anyway, and today I'd already had breakfast when I logged on and saw I was past due. Besides, you know I won't get on the scale when I'm fairly sure that either my weight it up a bit or that I will be affected emotionally by it if it is. I think I went almost three weeks between weigh ins last time! lol...
13 Dec 10 by member: redwinelover
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Information talked about addictions to smoking and alcohol and how the food "addiction" is so different. I wholeheartedly concur with that having recently kicked both smoking and drinking habits. I was just telling my hubby how different those struggles were from my weight loss journey. You can not live without food but you can live without cigs and booze. Finding the balance in the food intake/exercise routine to be able to continue to lose weight gradually and in a healthy way is someting I am still working on and probably will have to be conscious of the rest of my life.
13 Dec 10 by member: HealthyBabs
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Thanks for sharing your feelings so candidly, rwl... You said "One is maybe not succeeding, the other is more of a failing". Last couple of years as I struggled to keep my weight from going up so easily, I felt that way. I feel like my struggles are bigger than those who try to lose weight because I often feel myself as a failure. And since I was enjoying of all the goodness of being slim and I knew what it is like -it is so wonderful- I just didn't want to let myself go gaining weight. Also, I could FEEL each and every pound I gained. Maybe because the percentage out of total body weight is bigger. I still do have fear in me.. but at least I have peace with me now. I truly give myself permission for not going back to where I used to be. Maybe once I'm over forty it is too hard to stay size 2. I'll keep my exercise and healthy food choice as it is now and see where my body goes.. I appreciate so much of your being honest with yourself and with us. I truly admire that. Thank you, rwl.
13 Dec 10 by member: happynow
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I have read The End of overeating and found it to be a good book but the one that I found even is Mindless Eating!!! So much more insight I thought about why we eat etc.
Food is different than alcohol or smoking but really is it that different? Think about this one people... WE dont overeat broccoli, salads, fruits or other veggies we tend to eat what we have a crush on... Sweets, salty stuff and foods that we think make us feel good.... Same with alcohol, caffeine or smoking they all make us feel good but why are they different than food? We don't need smokes, caffeine or alcohol we have become dependent on them because we love them and even if we want out its like crazy glue you keep doing it and doing it.
We need food but with food we can control it just as the addiction with other things in life... Out of sight, out of mind... will drive you nuts at times but it really is no different then any other addiction.
We make food our enemies and thats why so many people are obese because we in itself have created negative labels... overeaters anonymous, bingers and the list goes on. If we ate only when when hungry we could very possible eat so much of the foods we wanted as apposed to dieting till death do us part and gaining weight!
Its all about how you see yourself. food is not the problem its the environment we some how morph into that donut, eat it and become a donut just because even though we ate it and did not want to... you just swallowed that negative energy... Try eating that donut with pleasure and slowly then tell me what happens?
I love your journals redwinelover!
13 Dec 10 by member: gizmonel
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Oh, I see. I noticed that the acronym didn't quite fit the context. Anyway, maintaining is *a lot* easier than losing imho; but, there are stretches where if we don't keep a tight grip on ourselves it is very easy to gain ten pounds in the bat of an eye. It certainly is not an aspect to be underestimated. You are doing great! And... thanks for your uplifting comments.
13 Dec 10 by member: information
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13 Dec 10 by member: gizmonel
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Hey RWL, Yes-I was actually cracking up when I read that. And then even harder when I imagined what probably came up as an explanation under the urban dictionary. All is well now tho....I did some PM explaining. :)
14 Dec 10 by member: Junebug7210
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Hello RWL!!! I just read this journal and it struck me as exactly what I am going thru. I need to get that book and read it. I struggle with eating all the time, and my issues are eating because I like it, not because I am particularly hungry. So avoiding food gives me a double whammy. I love baking stuff and having nice goodies around the house, but I "can't eat just one"! I have to eat and eat. I hit my blue line but lately maintaining it AND not feeling I'm OK now and can eat whatever I want is rough. I have lost some of my "umph" and need it back badly. I'm afraid I'll lose it entirely so I am in total understanding of what you wrote. I AM NOT CURED. I PROBABLY NEVER WILL BE. I feel like an alcoholic saying "Hi, I'm Barbara and I'm a food-aholic. Are we all there? Probably. Will we all never be cured? Probably. Is it a life-long battle? Most certainly. I hope someday they develop a pill that doesn't make our stomach swell so we are not hungry, but rather makes that part of our brain swell that says "eat anyway even if you are not hungry". Many times it is not our stomach ruling, but rather our head! Thoughts?
14 Dec 10 by member: The Next Number
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Okay NOW I know the name of the book.....and I hope YOU DO finish it.....for US.....( he he ) I did FINISH MY book for us, remember??? Man I know......HOW can food be so consuming of the mind....Its crazy. And I so can relate to what you said this author said. Okay the whole looking at the cookie....and NOT eating it at home, and then going out and BAM eating one.....I CAN relate. Its almost like a CHALLENGE not to eat the one at home.....and then when you are out, think HECK I deserve a reward FOR resisting the ONE at home....and reward yourself with a COOKIE out. At least that is HOW I think.... Im telling you. NOW I feel the need to get THAT book.....sounds good. And NO I don't think there is ever a cure. And the difference between Losing 50 pounds and once you are there....and gaining a pound or two? I think ONCE You have lost it.....YOU know, it ONLY took One pound to get us back to GAINING the 50 again.....so its a scary slippery slope.....ya know? I hear ya.....Thanks for the Deep In Thoughts with D today..... he he he.....
14 Dec 10 by member: Klannoye
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redwinelover's Weight History
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