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Had a very difficult night last night. I didn't sleep all night. After I did the 4th Step decided I owed an apology then talked it over with a friend at the meeting and my husband who both said I didn't owe an apology I became very confused, ashamed, down on myself and depressed. I felt like I was a bad person and I became completely overwhelmed at the thought of dealing with the people at the meeting and sorting out what to do. I was supposed to go to therapy yesterday but I forgot my appt. which did not help at all. I called my therapist who is going to try to fit me in if she gets a cancellation. Last night I had to wake my husband up because I thought I might have to go to the hospital but after we talked I felt I could cope without it. Last night we decided I shouldn't go to the meeting tonight because I was too fragile and vulnerable but this afternoon I am questioning that decision and wondering if I could at least go to the meeting about the solution to the women with babies disrupting meetings. I don't feel I can deal with the rest of it until I can at least talk things through with my counselor and get my head on straight. I overate on carbs a bit last night and I really wanted to binge over these problems but I didn't. I ate maybe 5 carbs over but that might affect my weight loss. I am having a bit of trouble keeping my blood sugar high enough without eating extra carbs. Lately at night it's been 76 or so which is too low at bedtime. I ate a few carbs and it was only 80 in the morning so I actually wondered if I am still diabetic because blood sugar goes up over night in diabetics. I need to check my blood sugar for a few nights and mornings to check. It would be incredibly awesome if I am no longer diabetic! I thought I was off all my diabetic meds but I forgot my Actos was a diabetic med so I stopped it a couple of days ago to try to stop my blood sugars from going too low. So now I am off all diabetic meds. Just checked my blood pressure and it is 102/60 which is low. I need to make an appt. with my doctor to get my blood pressure meds changed to a lower dose. I got on the scale this morning because I am still weighing every day until I get to 199. I am still at 205 which is fine. Of course less than that would be better.
I just talked with my girlfriend from the meeting who said I shouldn't get down on myself or give others power over me by making me afraid to go to my meeting. She is right but I still don't know if I can go to the meeting. My counselor just called and she feels I was doing the right and honest thing to talk about the disruption of the babies at the meeting. She felt I should not have been shut down. She doesn't think I should blame myself and that I should decide if I feel I can go to the meeting or not tonight. She mentioned that I could always leave if I get upset. She understands why I have been upset at my friend for shutting me up. So I have a decision to make. I guess I will go now and think about tonight.
My husband was adamant that I not go to the meeting. He was worried I would get upset again and have to drive home upset or be up all night again. I have decided to take a break from this meeting until I can destress and sort my feelings out about it with the help of my counselor. And I will start adding new meetings to my schedule. I needed to meet new friends anyway. My old best friend never called to see if I wanted to come to the noon meeting today or to ask why I didn't come to the dinner tonight so she is obviously angry with me
although I haven't said anything to her about being upset at her. She no doubt thinks I owe everyone an apology which I am confused about now. They were going to talk about what to do about the women with the babies tonight at dinner but at this point I really don't care what happens about them. I just do not need to be getting so upset that I feel I need to go to the hospital. I will stay in contact with my sponsor from the meeting and my friend who supported me in this crisis from the meeting. I will take a break from everyone else. I may be the one who is totally wrong in this situation but right now I am confused,
depressed, hurt and resentful. I have to get myself straightened out before I can cope with anyone else's feelings about the meeting. I don't want to get even more upset and say something I will regret. At least right now I only regret shouting at the chairperson after the meeting which I do believe I owe an apology for. I was just afraid that if I apologized she would start to defend shutting me up at the meeting and I would get furious all over again. So for now until I know I can control my emotions and what I say I am going to stay away from the people I am upset with and work on calming down and figuring things out. Sometimes I get so frustrated with myself for being so overemotional and oversensitive. The good news is I did not overeat today.
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1251 kcal
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Fat: 90.44g | Prot: 70.01g | Carbs: 50.51g.
Breakfast: Splenda, Baking powder, Cinnamon, Egg, Butter, Flax seeds. Lunch: Green beans. Dinner: Greek yogurt. Snacks/Other: Sunflower seeds. more...
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 Comments
Go have a chat with your higher power. Maybe your sponsor could go to the meeting with you for some support. And like you said, you can always leave if you feel uncomfortable. Good luck.
28 Jul 10 by member: kboat562
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it took me 6 months to complte my 4th it was nothing less than hell then after that i was told i should do another it seemes i left some things out !!?? wth anyway i am better for it i think maybe only because im done with it ! i feel you and good luck
29 Jul 10 by member: sharidoto
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{{{HUGS}}} you're in my thoughts and prayers. I know this is a difficult time for you and want you to know you have lots of support for whatever you decide to do.
29 Jul 10 by member: candyann
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You are such a sweet, kind and caring person. Those are both good and bad qualities. Because you care so much about others, you tend to forget about your own needs. You spoke up for those that did not have the strength to speak up for themselves. It is their own fears that prevented them from speaking up for you or themselves. Im sorry you are suffering right now. Carrying everyone else's fears and pain has got to be difficult. While they cannot do so, you need to realize you cant either. Take time for you. Love yourself as no one else can.
29 Jul 10 by member: kmartin
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Wow my sponsor gave me 3 days to do my 4th step LOL then we got right on to 5,6,7,8 and 9... had 9 done to the best of my ability in a few months.
I wish we lived in the same area cuz I'm getting ready to go to a noon meeting and having a cobb salad at it! My home group is GREAT bunch of people!
I'm kinda on the wall about kids in meetings I think that if they are getting noisy the parents should take them out but hey I wouldn't have gotten to go to meetings if I couldn't take my son with me most of the time. He grew up in AA and now next week he'll have 6 months!
Of course if kids bother you there are always closed meetings out there.
I wasn't there so can't give advice on an apology or not but follow your guts they'll never steer you wrong!
29 Jul 10 by member: Myree67
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Ohhhh I thought of you today at the nooner! The meeting was on acceptance being the answer to so many of our problems! I'm sure you're familiar with the old page 449 and new page 417 out of the big book! If not read it!
29 Jul 10 by member: Myree67
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You're in a tough spot, Andrea. I guess the best thing to do is to pray about it and let Him lead you. You'll know when you're doing the right thing - it'll feel right on the inside. You'll be okay as long as you continue venting and journaling here, letting all your thoughts and emotions come out. It's a good, safe place to do so. Hang in there. I keep telling you that you're so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. I hope you recognize this in yourself one day soon. I like the idea of taking your sponsor to the meeting with you - is that feasible?
29 Jul 10 by member: redwinelover
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Multiplicity1's Weight History
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