|
It's getting late and I need to post my journal entry for the day. Well I had a very busy day. I did prayer and Bible study and the rosary and some reading in my book on forgiveness. I still haven't quite learned the books techniques but they recommend focusing more on beautiful and loving and inspiring things in our lives and some breathing techniques that I haven't tried yet and making gratitude lists. The techniques for forgiveness worked with the parents of murdered children so they must be good. I am still reading.
I was kind of cranky today. My husband was quizzing me on why I spent so much on some sandals for my trip to San Antonio today and I about bit his head off. I paid for them out of trip money we saved for my trip for six months so I was aggravated at him questioning my spending. Plus I flipped out because my cellphone kept signing off when I was trying to call about my sandal order and my friend was trying to reach me at the same time about tours we had already gone over for about two hours and decided on. Then my older daughter was texting me at the same time and I just realized now I forgot to get back to her. Everything just happened all at once and I flipped out and started yelling and almost threw my cell phone. I just basically acted like a lunatic for no good reason. But I apologized to my husband and I calmed down pretty quickly. I was crabby though with my girlfriend on the phone about the tours and she was hurt about that I think so I probably owe her an apology too. It isn't an easy job trying to become a better person. I have a lot of character defects. I take a lot of work. A sweet friend pointed out that I need to give myself more credit for the good I do though so I will remember that tonight. I did offer to help my husband with the groceries, I did refrain from making a remark I knew would irritate him and I did work hard on my self-improvement tasks today. So those are all pluses. Oh and I get an A+ for not really getting upset over my 1.1 lb. weight gain today. I figure it was tiny and it will be gone in a day or two. I'll just watch my calories more carefully. No more hissy fits tomorrow. I ordered several more books on prosperity - they are spiritually based so it will help me spiritually and prosperity wise in all other areas of my life. Just realized why I had my anger attack today. I am working on the forgiveness issue in my life and all the anger towards my abusers that usually comes out as depression was bleeding out of me as rage today. Thinking of forgiving my abusers made me feel rageful and I didn't realize it until just now. My counselor tells me I can't get over my abuse until I feel anger towards my abusers but I think there must be another way to get to forgiveness without having to go through all this rage. Remember that family whose son got shot and they forgave the shooter and donated their son's organs in the country where he was shot. They didn't stay stuck in the rage. There has to be a way to let go of this rage (and depression) and get to forgiveness. I'll keep reading that book on forgiveness and praying for God to lift my rage and depression. I hope all this rambling of mine is doing someone else some good. Thank you all my buddies for just being the great people you are. You bring so much to my life every day. Love, Andrea
|
1296 kcal
|
Fat: 83.04g | Prot: 98.34g | Carbs: 45.49g.
Breakfast: Blueberries, Greek yogurt. Lunch: Cheddar cheese, Green pepper, Lettuce. Dinner: Green beans. Snacks/Other: Smuckers Peanut butter, Tomato, Cottage cheese, Macadamia nuts, eas CHOCOLATE SHAKE, Pork rinds. more...
|
|
2440 kcal
|
Exercise:
Walking (slow) - 3/kph - 30 minutes, Resting - 13 hours and 30 minutes, Sleeping - 10 hours. more...
|
|
 Comments
I am sure the gain will be gone soon, hope tomorrow is a better day. :)
03 Jun 10 by member: BCLenny
|
That is a very small gain, and it could be water retention. Tomorrow will be better.
03 Jun 10 by member: ctlss
|
You have a lot of character defects????? how "dare" you talk this way about my buddy!!
You can never forgive others if you dont learn to forgive yourself ...
Putting so much effort on trying to overcome your depression through the spiritual path makes me feel so proud of you!!
You are a fairy princess, never forget that!!!
04 Jun 10 by member: alwaysalwayshappy
|
Hey, we all snap sometimes. When you have many things coming at you at once it is hard to handle it all and sometimes we say hurtful things or can be a little short when we don't mean to. Don't beat yourself up about it. Just call your friend and explain to her why you were impatient and that you are sorry if you hurt her feelings. I am sure she will understand - we have all been in your shoes with this one. I swear I can't handle much stress at all. LOL! Especially when I am trying to do cook, the phone is ringing, and there is a 4 year old hanging on my leg saying "Mommma, Momma, Momma, Momma" Many times I have snapped with a "WHAT!!!!" or even worse "GO AWAY!!!" I always feel terrible, my mom had and still has alot of rage issues and I don't want to be that way with my kids. The important thing is that you do see your mistakes and you want to get better. For me anyways it takes alot of practice.
04 Jun 10 by member: amanda123
|
Hi, Andrea. Reading your journal today was like peeking into myself. I struggle to forgive almost every day - like just about everyone, I've had some pretty crappy things done to me that are extremely hard to forgive. But I must if I want to move on. A book that has been very helpful to me, and that you might want to check out if you haven't already, is "How to Forgive When You Don't Feel Like It" by June Hunt. The book is based on Biblical teachings and has helped me to let go of my "rocks of resentment" as June puts it, and take the abuser off of my hook, and put him on God's hook. I still struggle, but when I start to get anxious and spiral down into negativity, it helps to take the book back out, read a few chapters, and pray about it.
I'm sorry you're going through so much right now. I hope you're able to find the peace and joy you deserve very soon, and kudos for your positive outlook about your weight loss journey. We're all here for you. :)
04 Jun 10 by member: desifink
|
I have to agree. I think you should put off trying to learn forgiveness for your abusers and work on learning how to forgive yourself. I truly believe that once you tell yourself it is alright to be happy and to move on from that place you were in you can finally be free.
04 Jun 10 by member: kmartin
|
I pray that God guides you and showers you with His light and all the rage and anger goes away. I pray for you and myself and everyone who needs peace of mind.
04 Jun 10 by member: anapdc
|
I totally needed this journal today. I struggle with forgiving everyday, and I can't seem to break the awful cycle. Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone.
04 Jun 10 by member: BrookeAaron124
|
Andrea-Unfortunately, I think that the anger and rage is part of the healing process. Hopefully though you will learn some techniques on how to work through this step and move on to the next. I'm no expert by any means but I just know that I have been told that when you are mourning so I would think it is similar. I'm so glad though that you are working on this for you. Seems like you are finally facing it with a vengence. Hopefully between your therapy, these books, and prayer you will be able to leave the awful things that happened to you in the past and move forward to a bright and happy future. I will pray for you. You are a great buddy to me and I appreciate you so much. You do need to give yourself more credit.
04 Jun 10 by member: nino66
|
Andrea,forgive yourself,things will be better tomorrow.Small bumps make us stronger.Hang in there buddy
04 Jun 10 by member: winddancer
|
For what it's worth, Andrea, I agree with many who've stated you have to forgive yourself before you can really forgive others. And I also think one of your buddies was also correct in stating this is probably a part of the process - rage and anger. You're ENTITLED. You were abused, repeatedly. If you didn't harbor anger, rage and resentment, you'd be further from healing than you are, as you wouldn't be bringing it up to examine it and figure it out and eventually get passed it. Don't forget, when you do get to that point of forgiving your abusers, what you are really doing is freeing yourself. That's why God wants us to forgive others - it's for our own well-being, not for their's. In the meantime, try to treat yourself as you would any of your friends, family, loved ones - with forgiveness and love and understanding and acceptance. You deserve it.
04 Jun 10 by member: redwinelover
|
| |
|
|
| |
Submit a Comment
You must sign in to submit a comment. Click here to sign in.
|
|
|
Multiplicity1's Weight History
|