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I was still thinking about my hurry to get to 199 today and I realized there is still a tiny part of me that is hoping to go back to my old way of eating once I get to my ideal weight (somewhere between 130-140). I have tried hard to crush that crazy thought that I can ever eat junk food again but some part of me is still holding onto that nightmare idea. I can only hope that my continuing to follow this healthy way of life will eventually put to rest that old part of me that longs for sugar and carbs. lol I just realized I'm dreaming that my addiction will just one day fade away to nothingness. Boy is that an unrealistic idea. I will have to battle this addiction one bite at a time for the rest of my life. That is a rather exhausting thought but an honest one. I only have to battle it one second at a time. I can't think about my whole life all at once it's too overwhelming. I can stay on my food plan until I go to bed tonight. I'll start over again in the morning...
Now back to my weigh in. Tomorrow is my weigh in day. So I can legitimately weigh in. Well my craziness has already set in. I've decided to get up early because I weigh less in the morning than at 11am or 12 noon. Then comes my reaction to my weight - it never seems like enough - I suppose if I lost 10 lbs. I might be happy (no I'd probably say If only it was 11 lbs.). I thought about not weighing at all. But it helps me to feel motivated to stay on my food plan to know I am losing (Oh God what if I don't lose?) and I want to show my friends how great Atkins really is. So what am I going to tell myself if I don't lose or even gain weight? Am I going to tell myself I am a failure or am I going to say it is just a normal part of a weight loss plan. Am I going to get depressed or am I going to choose to laugh it off? I am definitely going to measure tomorrow because I haven't done it for a couple of weeks. The important part to think about is what am I going to do with my food. Am I going to continue to follow the plan? Am I going to continue adding carbs each day as I'm supposed to in OWL or am I going to reduce my carbs to keep losing faster? I have not been adding carbs daily as I am supposed to in OWL - sometimes I add then I reduce when I'm worried about gaining weight. I need to make up my mind what I am doing and follow a plan. I have added some foods but not added more than 5 carbs most days. That makes it hard to plan easily. So I am not going to be a better person if I lose weight or a worse one if I don't. I am exactly the same person at 219.9 as I am at 217 or 221.6. I can choose to be happy no matter what the scale says tomorrow.
And I am a success as long as I choose to see myself as a success and I am working toward a healthier life on a consistent basis. Thanks for listening.
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1392 kcal
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Fat: 105.74g | Prot: 74.18g | Carbs: 46.71g.
Breakfast: Splenda, Baking powder, Cinnamon, Egg, Butter. Lunch: Green pepper, Tomato, Lettuce, Cottage cheese. Dinner: Green beans, Chicken. Snacks/Other: Macadamia nuts. more...
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2475 kcal
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Exercise:
Walking (slow) - 3/kph - 44 minutes, Resting - 12 hours and 16 minutes, Sleeping - 11 hours. more...
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 Comments
I feel you on all the thoughts that go through your head aroudn a weigh in. And on the food issue. I think we all probably have those moments when we tell ourselves that once we are at goal we can have this or that. And for the most part a small indulgence every now and then wouldn't be a bad thing, but we have to make sure that we don't slide down the slippery slope. I hope your weigh-in goes well.
25 May 10 by member: rebecca319
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You know, Andrea, I think you touched on something that is my biggest fear - going back to eating in a way that got me here. In my case, it really was only a couple hundred calories extra per day, as is most people's weight gain. So easy to do, too. I actually love the way I eat now, only wish I would learn to cook!! lol I'm not on the kind of plan you are, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that we can choose health over "taste" and really, your tastes change as your eating habits change. I can barely stand the taste of a Yoplait anymore : ) I'm so used to the taste and texture of my Greek-style yogurt that I never want to give it up! And I was never a fast food kind of person anyway, maybe having fast food once a month and maybe pizza once every couple of months. It's the idea of it that's hard for me to accept. And I need to learn what you already know - take it one second at a time and to stay on my food plan until I go to bed. It's all true and it's all the things they teach you in 12 step programs or any addiction program - take it one moment at a time. I do think about how easy it would be for me to fall back into mindless snacking. And I love my wine! When I love it too much, it leads to poor food choices, though. In some ways it may be more difficult for someone that is on a "normal" diet (take that VERY loosely) to fall into old habits since it's as much about calorie reduction for me as food choices, although I do try to stay away from as many simple carbs/sugar as possible. I believe it was you that brought up how much more difficult food addiction is than say, a drug habit since we need to eat to live. Oh, I'm rambling. Anyway, as usual, your journal entries both make me think and reflect as well as touch my heart with your openness and your seeming vulnerability. You couldn't be a better person if you wore a size 5!
25 May 10 by member: redwinelover
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Andrea, I know EXACTLY what you are talking about, and the reason I know is that it has already happened to me, more times than I can count. I made a concious decision this time that I would never go back to my old way of eating. But I still live in fear every day of getting lulled into a false sense of "Oh, I can control my carb intake, one little bite won't hurt!" And I know that one little bite will hurt. If I eat one little bite of those carbs that cause the cravings, I KNOW that the next step is a full blown pig out, eating any and all of those foods that I am so intolerant to. And it will take years for me to bring it under control again. I know all of this, because it is an old story, and the ending is always the same. I regain all I've lost, plus more, end up hating myself, feeling terrible, no energy, and unable to stop. Why would I do that to myself??? Why would I even take the chance??? Because I have this false sense of control, due to the fact that I can control it while eating the way that I was meant to eat. But that means never eating those things again. No more fudge, no more cookies, no more brownies, no more ice cream, no more sugar, no more pasta, no more bread, no more beer battered shrimp...........Just as an alcoholic can't drink just ONE drink, and a drug addict can't do just ONE hit, I also know that I can't do just ONE bite of the drug that I am addicted to, CARBS!! I also understand the urge to weigh and the anxiety attached to that particular endeavor. What if I gain?? What if I don't lose this week?? Is it because I am doing something wrong?? Did I eat something I wasn't supposed to?? Or even worste, WILL EVERYBODY ELSE THINK THOSE THINGS ABOUT ME??? Will they think, "Hmm she isn't losing weight, she must be cheating and lying about her food journal, she must not be as dedicated to Atkins as she says she is, what is she going to blame it on, TOM, stress, a mistake, lack of self control??" And the really terrible part is that I know there will be times when, no matter how well I follow my WOE, I am going to see no loss or even a gain. I KNOW all this, yet it doesn't seem to make a bit of difference to the little girl in me, who still feels ridiculed, made fun of, sneered at, and berated for her weight and the things she eats. So Andrea, yes we understand, and we will never judge you based on your weight, size, or what you are doing with your food. We will judge you on your heart, and darlin' when it comes to that YOU ARE WITHOUT DOUBT A TRUE WINNER!!!! You are the exact same person now that you will be 100 pounds from now, and that is someone VERY, VERY SPECIAL!!
25 May 10 by member: ctlss
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Stef I agree with every heartfelt word you wrote! It is exactly the same for me. I have those same fears and questions. I know I can't have that drug I am addicted to and yet I have to eat a certain amt. of it to live. Much harder than being a drug addict or an alcoholic in that way at least. Thank you always for the love you shower on me. I feel like a winner every day when I have friends like you.
25 May 10 by member: Multiplicity1
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And you always make me feel like a winner, Andrea! You are the best! And man are you right, it is sooo much harder than giving up alcohol, drugs, or cigarettes. Those we can set aside and never have to deal with again, but FOOD?????? We have to face it every day of our lives, all day long! WE can't set it aside and say, that will never touch my lips again. Of course it will, but we can control WHAT touches our lips, and that is what we are learning to do. ANd like every other thing worth learning, the learning is never over, but will continue for the rest of our lives. We can choose to practice what we are learning or ignore all the knowledge we have attained. I suspect that, like me, you have made the decision to apply your new found knowledge and to continue learning for as long as you are alive!
25 May 10 by member: ctlss
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Multiplicity1's Weight History
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