|
My weight history to this point
Right Now I am 26 years old. I don't smoke. I rarely drink. Single. Virgin. I've lived in Rhode Island, Florida, Michigan, and Maine. I graduated college. I have problems finding jobs I like. I am great at customer service but would rather be doing somehting else like massage therapy. Also in debt after college. I am mellow and usually amusing and wacky. I love movies, japenese culture, nerdy things, photography, and the interweb if you will.
When I was a baby...or some kind of child, I was skinny. Or so I was told. I have no memory of when I was NOT on a diet by my mother or had food rationed. I was overweight before I knew it quite literally. I wasn't eating lousy, just an extra portion of dinner here or there. I was doing sports. I was hungry. I learned how to sneak food.
It had become part of my identity. I was the chubby girl. I would think along the lines..."Once I lose some weight maybe then someone will like me. Maybe a boy will like me then."
At one point in high school I got pissed that I was fat and never even have eaten things like Twinkies and other junk food people asumed I had been eating. I experiment with junk food.
My junior prom I was a size 16. I felt huge. It was stressed how lucky I was to find a dress in my size. At that time I think I was close 208 pounds.
Senior year. Size 18. My gay male friends would take me to prom.
College. between 220-> 275 left college size 26/28. During college at some point...I no longer felt like I had a gender. I felt like people were making fun of me in the cafeteria.
Love life in college? Fooled around with a boy who took pride in trying as many fetishes as possible. MAny unrequiented crushes. A bi-sexual male friend tried to fool around with me (he said I was beuatiful and followed that up with by confessing he was attracted to "fatties"-killed the mood and my interest). My best female friend- who I was probably too attatched to said she had a nightmare where we were having sex and she drowned in my blubber.
There was one guy on summer vacation back in RI who took me on a date. Things went well. I invited him over for date #2 and maybe some fooling around. He said we shouldn't be together because I lived too far away (25 minutes). I was not worth the effort I guess.
I graduate college a virgin.
Disney internship. (lost a little weight, walking around MGM cleaning and taking Karate lessions). Then Foxwoods for three years. (Up past 300 lbs.)
dateline: 2006...may. I move to Fl. Get a stressful job sitting and answering phone calls. I weigh the heaviest I ever have...a little less than 350 pounds.
I no longer see myself as human. Clothing isn't tried on anymore. Grab a walmart shirt or pants size 2xl or 3xl. Grab something in the mens department.
At nerd conventions when I go to dress up as characters...I feel like I have to choose an overweight or bulky male character.
I feel horrible. Like a blob. An oddity. I can't feel happiness like I used too. My endurence sucks. I'm tired all the time. I find myself having to change positions sleeping alot due to my arms falling asleep. I feel I have to wipe the sweat between rolls of fat in order not to get an infection. I have trouble wiping myself. My period stopped. When I sneeze or laugh too hard... I wet myself a little.
It is just too much. I don't even want to visit old friends and let them see me in my current condition. I am so disgusted with myself I ease into action.
I start trying to take better care of myself. Eating more fish, rice, and fruit. Slim fast shakes and yogert. Less Ramen. Less Take out.
I move back to RI. I stay with my mom.
Mom is worried about my health. She wants to see me healthy and maybe even married before she dies. Her mother sold her second house and the kids all got a share. Mom offers to pay for Gastric band surgery.
I go to the required meeting...feeling a little excited, like.."finally I'll get rid of the weight." The opperation would cost $15,000. I would most likely have hanging skin needed to be trimed off...and not do karate (something I enjoyed working at disney). It would mean if I did get married. No big slice of my own wedding cake.
I got a letter from the DMV. My 27th birthday was coming up and I needed to go in and renew my licence. How I wanted to have a better picture!
How I wanted to not have to spend my moms money!
How I wanted 27 to be a good year!
I didn't want to let life go on the way it had been or get surgury without one more...try. A big try. I was unemployed at this moment anyway. Why not?
Through out my life I had tried TOPS, hypnosis, grapefruit diet, apple diet, my mothers version of atkins, joined & quit curves (very cult like in my community),pills, begged for fitness equipment, joined a gym in fl., and god knows what else.
I had felt so low through the years I sometimes wanted to take a knife and just slice my belly off.
I had, technicly, been to Weight Watchers before. When I was ten. Some older woman babysiting me took me to a few meetings. It had been unpleasent.
BUt I wanted to do SOMETHING.
THis time, it went great. I joined the last saturday in May I suspect. (looks it up) May 26th. My first meeting I was weighed 309.8 lbs. I learned about the system. The plans. (I'm CORE all the way!) First goal- 31 lbs. (private goal-crack 300lb.)
I was pleased that I was down from what I was in fl.
Week one- that weekend was memorial weekend and the next day from my inital joining meeting. My mother, gram, and I were at the park. I had suasage and pepper hogie (mom had brought it), a lemonaide, and later 5 fried oreos. Fine start, huh? Well the first meeting I had been too was about forgiving yourself so you can move on. I put the points in my tracker from what I eat and made sure I only ate what was on the program for the rest of the week.
Week 1- lost 6.2lbs.
Week two- I got more creative with the menu and really got in groove with the plan. I then ate a pretty bad salad (fried onions on top...chease, ceaser dressing, ect) and went over my points. SO I looked at my chart and walked in the park 3 times before the week was out...till the calculated points had been used.
Week 2- lost 3.4 lbs
Week three- Followed the program well. Felt full with ONE muffin! No exercising though.
Week 3- lost 4.2 lbs!~ (thus loosing 13.8 so far and THUS breaking 300 down into 296 lbs. I was supposed to be awarded a sticker but she forgot. I'll get it next week.
Week four- It has been TOUGH this week. Fathers day, a going away party and this one time japanese cooking class...all in the last 3 days. I am WAY over my points this week and it's only monday night! I figure I will be exercising like the dickens but today I turned an ankle (owe!) and worry about my exercising chances. My brother is set to set up a tread mill on thursday. If I heal enough- I'll walk all night if I have too! but...just to be safe I might give them my "no weigh in pass" this week.
I've been doing some weird things to keep me looking ahead. Massaging my fat. I can feel new spaces empting and envision my massage loosening some fat and sending it into my blood stream to be washed away.
I've also been watching lots of TLC and shows on tv about weight loss and super obese people. How I can relate to their struggle renews my own efforts.
I have been doing really great so I don't want to loose this momentum. I have even dared to dream being below 200 pounds and wearing skimpy clothes or even a bikini. My 10 year high school reunion is coming up it would be great to knock them out.
|